Penance
by feldman
"Discipline is the self striving toward an ideal."
When she agreed to this penance, she thought it'd be better than giving Aeryn the satisfaction of having her laundry done. Go to Zhaan's room after the first meal, sit still, and listen until she is dismissed. Easy as breathing.
"Discipline is not achieved by reaching a goal, but by reaching for a goal."
It would've been easy, but Zhaan has a harsh definition of sitting still and she enforces it with little flicks of her fingers. No moving, no scratching, no sleeping--Chiana even has to breath a certain way. At first she thought they were excuses to apply the flicks, but when she does sit still and breath deeply, Zhaan doesn't touch her.
"One becomes a disciple to something greater than one's self: this is discipline."
She's heard all this before and it's why she left home in the first place. She knows where it leads: the individual serves society, and is grateful for whatever brutal improvements society deems necessary to inflict.
"Discipline is the daily building of--"
"This is pointless." She untangles her legs, stands. "I've sat here for an arn already and all I've gained is a sore eema."
Zhaan blinks and smiles up at her. "With remarkably little fidgeting today. I'm pleasantly surprised."
The lack of irony in her voice intrigues Chiana. "You act like I actually accomplish something here besides boredom."
"You're learning discipline."
Chiana laughs. "No offense Zhaan, but the Nebari are way ahead of this discipline-wise, and they couldn't improve me either."
She takes Chiana's wrist. "What you endured then, child, was punishment." She pulls her down onto the bed beside her. "Discipline cannot be imposed from the outside, it must flow from inner conviction."
Chiana shifts her hips against the soft bedding. "Well it's not my inner conviction to sit on the floor until my ears ring and my eema is numb."
"I only offer you the task. Each day that you bend yourself to the task, you practice discipline."
"And this will somehow make me a better person."
"I cannot change you. If I could, I'd make you less cynical..." Zhaan shakes her head, "but then you wouldn't be who you are. What I can do is help you discover your better self."
Chiana tastes the idea for a moment. "Discover her...like she's already somewhere and I need to find her?"
Zhaan lays her hands long Chiana's cheeks and smiles like she's found something she was looking for. "Yes."