As you surely can tell from what you have read so far, I am capable of immense thoughts. Of course you, as a reader of taste and discernment, are able to recognize the immensity of my thinking, but even casual observers do not fail to observe with awe the might of my cognition. Therefore, for no higher purpose than that of self-aggrandizement, I will now share with you in the form of an easy-to-read, bulleted list the choicest fruits from the abundant harvest of my brain.
A note to the intimidated: Consider this format as a pair of snowshoes, like Eskimos use to prevent themselves from falling immediately into the incredibly deep accumulations of snow that occur everywhere that Eskimos live. Like snowshoes, the bullets will keep you from getting lost and dying in my ideas.
A final note to attractive women: Abandon caution and lose yourself in my sensual, snowy depths. I will chill you to the bone in a way that no other man will for the rest of your life.
WHY BABIES AREN'T ANY GOOD
Now that I have shared these thoughts in an easy-to-read format I do not doubt that they will be widely distributed and discussed. Bear in mind that I have a small mail slot, so letters of praise should be limited to two inches in thickness. If there is a call for translation I shall heed it, though hesitantly, for I make it a rule to refrain from unnecessary manipulations that may result in the degradation of my ideas. Though they are noble, the world’s languages often do not possess the kind of sophistication and nuance necessary to convey the immensity of my mental labors.
Addendum
Having anticipated the call for translation I have included a few abridged versions in various languages. International gifts of thanks should be limited to dry goods only and should not include samples of horrid national delicacies.
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© 2006 Damion Armentrout. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License.